Season 14, Episode 13 – Death Battle: Meta vs. Carolina: Dawn of Awesome | Red vs. Blue

Season 14, Episode 13 – Death Battle: Meta vs. Carolina: Dawn of Awesome | Red vs. Blue


*Guitar Intro* VIC: Who would win in a fight? Now, if that’s not the most popular question asked around Project Freelancer, I don’t know what is. Oh, no wait, it’d probably be: “Hey, where do these AI keep coming from?”, or: “Have you noticed that we’re looking pretty evil lately?” Anyway, there’s been plenty of action-packed punchouts *Guitar plays*
Anyway, there’s been plenty of action-packed punchouts and kick-ass karate matches over the years, but we never really saw a match-up between two of our heaviest hitters: *guitar plays*
between two of our heaviest hitters: *guitar plays*
Carolina, and the Meta. Let’s see if we can do something about that. GRIF: Hey. SIMMONS: Yeah? GRIF: You ever wonder…who’d win in a fight between Carolina and the Meta? SIMMONS: Pfft, no. Only hopless nerds on the Internet care about that kind of crap. GRIF: Uh, yeah? Why do you think I’m asking you? Come on, picture it. It’d be totally badass! SIMMONS: Well yeah, I guess. Carolina would definitely win, though. GRIF: Bullshit, you’re just picking her ’cause you’re scared of girls. Meta’s WAY scarier! He threw a WARTHOG at me! SIMMONS: Oh, I didn’t realise “scariness” was the deciding factor in a fight to the fucking death! Genius! CABOOSE: Hey Reds! What are you talking about? SIMMONS: Oh, Grif was just asking what would happen if Carolina and Meta fought. CABOOSE: Fought who? SIMMONS: One another. CABOOSE: Another who? SIMMONS: …What? CABOOSE: What? GRIF: Just ignore- CABOOSE: Ohh, you mean “DEATH BATTLE”. SIMMONS: I mean…sure? CABOOSE: Oh! Awesome! Hang on, I know some smart people that can help! Be right back! SIMMONS: Do you have ANY idea what he’s talking about? GRIF: No, but I DO know that you’re still fucking wrong. CABOOSE: Okay I’m back! GRIF: That was fast. CABOOSE: Yup, I called Command and they sent two of their best scientist fighting people to help us! SIMMONS: Their best? Really? BOOMSTICK: And THAT’S how you write your name in buckshot. WIZ: Alright alright, enough screwin’ around. We’ve got a job to do. BOOMSTICK: Oh, fine. GRIF: I think you’re forgetting that Command’s “Best” is just a step-up from “Incompetent”. SIMMONS: They sent us Donut. GRIF: I rest my case. CABOOSE: Introducing: “Jizz” and “Broomstiiiiiiick!” *fake echoing*Ick-ick-ick-ick. WIZ: It’s “Wiz” and “Boomstick”. GRIF: Wow. Those are the dumbest names I’ve ever heard. SIMMONS: Franklin. Delano. Donut. GRIF: And I retract my previous statement. BOOMSTICK: Yeah? Well you’ve got the dumbest face I’VE ever seen! GRIF: Uh, I thought you were supposed to be smart. I’m wearing a helmet. CABOOSE: Oh my God! Me too! SIMMONS: Alright, so how do you guys do this? You just, like, draw names out of a hat? Cast some chicken bones around? WIZ: It’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win, a DEATH BATTLE. SIMMONS: Why did you say it like that? BOOMSTICK: Just-just watch. *DEATH BATTLE Theme plays* WIZ: Before there was Red Vs. Blue, there was Project Freelancer. The Freelancers were highly trained soldiers with experimental weaponry, and a mission so secret, not even THEY knew what it was. BOOMSTICK: Kinda stupid, in hindsight. But these were true soldiers. The biggest and strongest of them all was Agent Maine. WIZ: Maine was the muscle of the team, relying on his brute strength, wrestling styles, and his unwavering ferocity to intimidate and crush his foes. BOOMSTICK: While he likes carrying an M6G Magnum Pistol into battle, he really likes a certain alien grenade launcher he stole. The Type-25 Grenade Launcher, AKA: the “Brute Shot.” *soothing music plays in background*
BOOMSTICK: I mean seriously. Look at this thing! It’s got a blade, AND can fire up to 4 rounds in 3 seconds! Let’s test that, shall we? GRIF: Hey! That’s mine! Give it back! *explosions* *explosions*
*Grif screaming* BOOMSTICK: *sighs* Well, in conclusion, I love this thing. *tense music plays* *tense music plays*
BOOMSTICK: So the guy was a badass fighter. Too bad Project Freelancer ended up turning him into a monster. WIZ: Long story short, the Director of Project Freelancer received a rare Artificial Intelligence for testing. BOOMSTICK: The Director imagined an army of super-soldiers paired with AIs, but, he could only get the one. WIZ: Being the…resourceful scientist he was, the Director decided to…torture the AI, forcing it to separate its raw emotions into multiple personalities to save itself. These personalities were captured as individual AI fragments and paired with different Freelancers. Trust me, that’s science. BOOMSTICK: Maine was given Sigma, the AI fragment representing ambition and creativity. And apparently, being creative means you’re fucking evil! WIZ: Desperate to gather his fellow AI fragments and reform into a “Perfect AI”, Sigma manipulated and brainwashed Maine, turning him into the murdering psychopath known as: The Meta. BOOMSTICK: The Meta went on a rampage, betraying his fellow Freelancers and stealing their AIs. He was like the Predator, but bigger, meaner, and with tons of overpowered equipment. WIZ: His Domed Energy Shield creates a nigh-impregnable forcefield. BOOMSTICK: It can block bullets, explosions, and even shells from tanks! *soothing music plays in background*
BOOMSTICK: Allow us to demonstrate. *soothing music plays in background* *Energy Shield powering up* Here’s Grif, inside an Energy Shield! GRIF: Yeah, so? BOOMSTICK: And HERE’S a tank, operated by Caboose! CABOOSE: And what could go wrong? GRIF: Oh, shit. CABOOSE: Fire in the hole-in-one! *explosion* GRIF: Phew! BOOMSTICK: Let’s try that again, blue buddy. CABOOSE: Yes sir, Captain Dustpads! *Energy Shield powers down* GRIF: Huh?! Wait! It ran out of- *explosion*
*Grif screaming* BOOMSTICK: Now, if the Energy Shield HAD been there, Grif would’ve been fine. CABOOSE: Wow! Science is fun. SIMMONS (OS): I’ve said it for years! *ominous music plays* *ominous music plays*
WIZ: As if that weren’t enough, the Meta’s Active Camouflage turns him practically invisible. His Strength Boost enhancement grants him… well…super-strength, and most impressively, his Temporal Distortion device can slow time to a crawl. BOOMSTICK: He can turn invisible AND stop time?! This guy sounds unstoppable! WIZ: Unfortunately, running so much equipment alongside so many AI fragments consumes a lot of power. But that hasn’t stopped him from killing several Freelancers and stealing 7 other AIs. BOOMSTICK: Not to mention the dude can take a hit and keep on going, even when that hit is taking 9 SHOTS POINT BLANK TO THE NECK! Man, and I thought MY voice made MY throat hurt! No wonder he never talks! WIZ: The only thing that COULD stop him was when a couple of idiots stabbed him in the chest, tied him to a car, and threw that car off a cliff into the freezing ocean! BOOMSTICK: But let’s be fair, Wiz, that’s a pretty fuckin’ hardcore way to go! *tense music*
*tires screeching* *tense music*
*blade swish* *blade slicing* GRIF: Hey, wait a minute. Where’d you get all this footage? Have you been spying on us? WIZ: Don’t worry about it. *metallic clang* *metallic clang*
*fast-paced music* *fast-paced music*
WIZ: Leading the troops of Project Freelancer, Agent Carolina was supposedly the best of the best. She commanded the team through many successful missions, mastered several martial arts, and her top spot on the leaderboard seemed untouchable. BOOMSTICK: Until a mysterious stranger showed up out of the blue and ruined everything. But we’ll get to that later. Carolina carries a wider variety of weapons than most Freelancers. Over the course of her career, she’s favored the standard Magnum Pistol, dual Plasma Rifles, a grappling hook which can operate in outer space, a Humbler Stun Device, which is basically a shock baton, and a long-range BR55 Battle Rifle. *soothing music plays in background*
BOOMSTICK: It’s not as flashy as a shotgun, but it’s got an impressive range of over 3000 feet. *gunfire* GRIF: Ow! Why me?! BOOMSTICK: It just feels right. *tense music* *tense music*
WIZ: Like many other Freelancers, Carolina also possesses an AI companion. Several, actually, but for this matchup we’ll be focusing on the time she spent with Epsilon, the memory of the original Alpha AI the Director fragmented. It’s also known as “Church”. Like the other AI fragments, Epsilon experiences time 205 times slower than a human being, and therefore drastically speeds up Carolina’s thoughts and reaction time. BOOMSTICK: Too bad he’s kind of an asshole. And by “Kind of”, I mean “That’s basically his thing”. EPSILON: Guys, I’m an asshole. BOOMSTICK: In her post-Freelancer career, Carolina made it her mission to track down as much experimental armor equipment as possible. And lemme tell you, she did a pretty damn good job! Like Maine, she managed to acquire the Domed Energy Shield, but also picked up Adaptive Camouflage, a Speed Boost, and a Healing Unit. WIZ: Unfortunately, just one AI fragment isn’t enough to run all this equipment at once. In battle, if Carolina’s not careful, she can accidentally push Epsilon too far, and essentially short-circuit him. BOOMSTICK: Yeah, for a leader, she’s kind of hot-headed, and SUPER competitive. Like when Agent Texas joined the Freelancer crew and started showing her up, Carolina started making a lot of stupid mistakes. WIZ: There’s a lot going on here. Turns out the Director was Carolina’s father all along, and Tex was actually the AI fragment memory of his deceased wife, meaning Carolina’s greatest rival for her father’s approval was actually her own mother. *music stops abruptly* *music stops abruptly*
GRIF and SIMMONS: (In unison) Wait, what?! GRIF: You’re making that up! WIZ: You guys didn’t know that? Where have you been? Pay attention! CABOOSE: *scoffs* Yeah, seriously guys? It’s like, super obvious. SIMMONS: Huh. Suddenly everything makes a lot more sense. GRIF: Fuck, dude. Remember when all we used to do was stand around and talk? SIMMONS: Yeah, good times. GRIF: Good times. *smack*
GRIF: Ow! BOOMSTICK: Heh heh, STILL love this thing! *triumphant music plays* *triumphant music plays*
WIZ: Regardless, Carolina is one tough woman. She’s defeated several other Freelancers, saved an entire planet from civil war, AND once blocked the shockwave of a nuclear explosion. BOOMSTICK: She and Epsilon were even skilled enough to track down dear old Dad after he went into hiding, just to help him…kill himself… Jeez, THAT got dark real fast. SANTA: WHO…ARE…YOU? CAROLINA: I’m your true warrior. *metallic clang* *DEATH BATTLE theme plays*
WIZ: Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all! BOOMSTICK: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEE- -yeah! *metallic clang* *wind howling* *electric fizzling* *electric fizzling*
*beeping in background*
*Carolina grunting in background* *beeping*
*Carolina grunting* META: *guttural growl* *beeping*
*Carolina grunting* *beeping in background*
*Carolina Grunting in background* *beeping in background*
*Carolina Grunting in background*
META: *guttural growl* *beeping*
*Carolina grunting* *Carolina grunting* *Carolina grunting*
*beeping* *Carolina panting* *Carolina panting*
*powering down sound* CAROLINA: *pants* Time. EPSILON: Ooh, yeah, just .03 milliseconds too slow. *tuts* Looks like I’m picking the movie tonight. CAROLINA: Ugh! Can it NOT be another garbage action movie? EPSILON: Oh come on, they’re hilarious. Everyone talks in one-liners and the plot’s non-existent. It’s like the characters are just there to beat the shit out of each other. *alarm sound*
Uh-oh. CAROLINA: What is it? EPSILON: Uh, I think we’re about to have company. *pistol loading* CAROLINA: Maine? EPSILON: Not exactly. META: *growls* AI FRAGMENT 1: There. AI FRAGMENT 2: The last one. AI FRAGMENT 3: Epsilon. AI FRAGMENT 4: Take it! AI FRAGMENT 5: Make us whole. AI FRAGMENT 6: Take it. *battle music starts* *battle music starts*
*weapon loading* EPSILON: Okay, if we win, you can totally pick the movie. *Glass shattering* *metallic clanging* ANNOUNCER: FIGHT! *blade clashing* *pistol firing* *pistol firing*
*bullets ricocheting* *pistol firing*
EPSILON: Not working! *pistol firing*
CAROLINA: I can see that! *impacts*
*blade swishing* *blade swishing* *impact*
*pistol firing* *impacts* *blade swishing*
*Carolina grunting* *electrical crackling* *impacts*
*electrical crackling* *Carolina grunting*
*impact* *electrical crackling* META: *growls* *impacts*
*electrical crackling* *electrical crackling* *impact*
Electrical crackling* *Carolina grunting*
*impact* EPSILON: You sure you can’t set that thing to “kill”?! META: *growls* CAROLINA: Just hold on! CAROLINA: Just hold on!
*beep* *powering up sound* *whooshing* *whooshing*
*impact* *whooshing* *whooshing*
*crackling* *explosions* *Carolina grunting* *impact*
*stone shattering* *gunfire* *gunfire*
*Energy Shield activating* *gunfire*
*bullets ricocheting* *Active Camouflage activating* *gunfire*
*bullets ricocheting* CAROLINA: Church, where is he? EPSILON: I’m on it! Scanning! Your left! *weapon loading* *blade slicing* *blade slicing*
*electrical fizzling* *Carolina grunting*
*impacts* *Carolina grunting*
*impacts* META: *growling* *Carolina grunting*
*impacts* CAROLINA: Church, I need armor enhancements! EPSILON: Which ones? CAROLINA: ALL of them! EPSILON: Uh, that doesn’t seem like a good ide- EPSILON: AAAAAUUGH! *Temporal Distortion device activating* EPSILON: Huh? *electrical fizzling* EPSILON: Ah, shit. *blade slicing*
*shattering* CAROLINA: *groaning in pain* EPSILON: Damn it! Okay, uh, focusing on the Healing Unit! I got you! Carolina, can you hear me? *pistol loading* *pistol firing* *pistol clicking* META: *growls* EPSILON: You got him! META: *growls* EPSILON: Okay, seriously, what the fuck? *pistol reloading* *pistol firing* *blade swishing* *Carolina groaning* *blade sticking* *impacts*
*Carolina groaning* EPSILON: Hey, hey, hey! Wait, wait! Hey! Hold up! AI FRAGMENT 1: It’s him. AI FRAGMENT 2: It’s him! AI FRAGMENT 3: It’s him. META: *growls* EPSILON: Uh, hey, so, I know you’re about to, pummel her ginger face in and all, but, you also only talk in grunts, so, I’m just gonna say this one line for you, okay? Just this one time. *weapon loading* EPSILON: Oh! Son of a bitch! *explosion*
*splattering* *metallic clanging* ANNOUNCER: KO! CAROLINA: *panting* Church? EPSILON: Yeah? CAROLINA: No action movies. *metallic clanging*
*guitar riff* GRIF: Holy shit! CABOOSE: I know! He did not even have a head under his helmet! He was a ghost the whole time! SIMMONS: I told you! I told you! CABOOSE: Like Bruce Willis. GRIF: Bullshit! Meta’s stronger! He should’ve won! WIZ: Not true, Grif. As the Freelancer leaderboard proves, strength isn’t everything. WIZ: Carolina’s mastery of martial arts let her hold her own, and her use of equipment allowed her to match and even counter the Meta’s. He may have gained an upper hand with his Temporal Distortion, but Carolina’s Healing Unit quickly repaired damage done during the attack. BOOMSTICK: Even though the Meta had all that powerful equipment, it drained his suits’ energy way too fast. Carolina TRIED to use all of her equipment at once and failed. Luckily, she had Epsilon to change tactics and focus on recovery. WIZ: Which brings us to what is perhaps the most important factor of the fight: the relationship between Freelancer and Artificial Intelligence. The Meta was brainwashed and manipulated by eight different AI, effectively filling his head with an unintelligble mess of voices and commands. In contrast, Carolina and Epsilon work together as partners with a mutual trust, both capable of making judgment calls to make up for each other’s weaknesses. GRIF: Whatever! I still say it should’ve been the Meta. WIZ: Says the guy who can’t tell the difference between a car and a puma. GRIF: I can tell the difference! It was a matter of comparison! BOOMSTICK: The Meta just couldn’t get a”head”, of his competition. WIZ: The winner is Agent Carolina! SARGE: Hey, what in Sam Hell are you boys doin’ in here?! Fraternizing with a Blue Devil, and a… Who the hell are THESE dirtbags?! WIZ: Woah, easy there, sir! We’re just here from Command! BOOMSTICK: Hey, nice shotgun! I like the cut of your jib! SARGE: *chuckles* Well, whaddya know? Someone who has an eye for the finer things in life! BOOMSTICK: Ho-ho, you better believe it! SARGE: Y’know, you remind me of someone. Almost like the son that I…never wanted. BOOMSTICK: That’s funny! I was about to say you’re like the pappy I never had! When I was a kid, he ran out on us to join the Army and never came back. SARGE: Huh. Well…how ’bout that? Time to move along, I guess. Nothin’ to see here. *Sarge humming* BOOMSTICK: What a nice guy! *soothing music plays over credits* *Rooster Teeth Outro*

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