Key & Peele – Fighting Meegan’s Battles

Key & Peele – Fighting Meegan’s Battles


– [sighs]
– [clears throat] – CAN YOU TOTALLY CHILL OUT?
– NO, I’M SO ANNOYED RIGHT NOW. CAN YOU, LIKE, NOT TALK TO ME
FOR, LIKE, A SECOND? LIKE, THAT’D BE GREAT.
THAT’D BE FINE. THAT’D BE FINE BY ME. WHAT?
OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS? THIS IS BULL[bleep].
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE PROBLEM WITH LETTING
TWO MORE PEOPLE IN? – CHECK YOUR GIRL, BRO. – I’M SORRY.
– EXCUSE ME, WHAT DID YOU SAY? “CHECK YOUR GIRL”? UH-UHH,
IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT. NO ONE CHECKS ME
BECAUSE I’M NOT LUGGAGE. OKAY? SO YOU CAN GO
[bleep] YOURSEE-ELF. – MEEGAN, SERIOUSLY, TWO MORE PEOPLE ARE GONNA
COME OUT IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS, AND THEN WE CAN GO IN. – NO!
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. WHAT WAS IT LIKE
BEING INTHE GREEN MILE?– HE WASN’T INTHE GREEN MILE!HE CLEARLY WASN’T
IN THAT MOVIE. – WHAT DOES TOM HANKS’S PENIS
FEEL LIKE? – MEEGAN!
– MOREOVER, HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN SWARMS OF BEES
ARE COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE? – SERIOUSLY, I’M SORRY.
IT’S, LIKE, HER FAVORITE MOVIE. – DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR ME! YEAH, THIS IS NICE,
THIS IS NICE. YOU LOOK LIKE COMMON MEETS
THE INCREDIBLE HULK. – MEEGAN–
– WHEN YOU BROUGHT THE FRANKINCENSE TO BABY JESUS,
DID THEY, LIKE… – OH.
– MAKE YOU STAND OUTSIDE THE BARN
BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BIG, OR DID THEY INVITE YOU IN
WITH ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS? DON’T FLARE YOUR NOSTRILS
AT ME, OKAY?
– HE’S– – DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW IMPOLITE THAT IS? – HE HASN’T MOVED HIS NOSTRILS
ONCE SINCE WE GOT HERE. – I SAW THEM MOVE!
– THEY DID NOT MOVE, MEEGAN. – THEY FLARED! – MEEGAN, THEY [bleep]
DID NOT MOVE! – YOUR NOSTRILS FLARED MORE THAN
A SURVIVOR FROM A BOAT ACCIDENT. – WHAT? – HE’S NOT EVEN LOOKING ME
IN THE EYES. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO CONTINUE
TO BE A LITTLE PRICK, YOU’RE GONNA GET YOUR ASS
KICKED. – DON’T TOUCH HIM, MEE–
MEEGAN. – [scoffs]
CRAZY BITCH. – [gasps] [squeaks] – [sighs] OH! – I TOTALLY LOVE MY NAILS
RIGHT NOW. I’M SO OVER EVERYTHING
RIGHT NOW, OVER THE FLOOR,
I’M OVER THE SKY, I’M OVER YOU, OVER THAT PUSSY BACK THERE. YOU’RE A PUSSY! – MEEGAN, SERIOUSLY.
– WHATEVER. – [makes kissing sounds] – NICE LEGS, LITTLE LADY.
[laughter] – UM, EXCUSE ME? – OH, GOD! – HEY, WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT THE [bleep]
DID YOU JUST SAY? YOU GUYS COME BACK HERE WITH
YOUR LITTLE ITTY-BITTY DICKS. – YOU BEST CONTROL YOUR LADY. – YUP.
– [gasps] EXCUSE– “CONTROL YOUR LADY”?
NO, HE DOESN’T CONTROL ME, ‘CAUSE LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, I’M NOT A REMOTE. – MEEGAN, BABY,
CAN WE JUST LET THIS GO? – NO, I’M TALKING TO THE PUSSIES
OF ANARCHY RIGHT NOW. – OH, BOY.
– YEAH, YOU. WHY DON’T YOU ALL
GATHER YOURSELVES, AND WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO
AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO [bleep] ON EACH OTHER’S
LEATHERY PENI. – HEY, [bleep] YOU, BITCH!
– [gasps] – OH, NO.
– [squeaks] – [sighs] IT’S NOT EVEN THE PLURAL
OF “PENIS.” [punching thud]
– YEAH! [thugs laughing] – I’M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD! YES!
I FEEL INVINCIBLE! LIKE I HAVE SUPER POWERS
OR SOMETHING. HA HA! YOU HEAR THAT,
ALL YOU [bleep] OF THE WORLD? I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT,
AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME. – BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE TO
FIGHT YOUR OWN FIGHTS, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
– [gasps] – OH, BOY.
– [squeaks] – OH, NO. – [squeaks] – [sighs] UGH! OH. – NOTHING CAN STOP ME!

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